We're Back! After 2 years of departure from this world, the RagMag is reborn. Just to give you an idea of how long it has been, in the last issue, we were still waiting for our new building. Why? Our old editor expressed his reasons to me: "Well, being a graduate student, I haven't had the time to... I was going to do it but... I love to write material, it's putting it together Blah blah bling blah blah"! Save it for someone who cares! We want the RagMag, not petty excuses! So with the hope of creating a bigger and better future and of boldly going where no rag has gone before, we, The Next Generation of editors takes over. Captain Pistachio, you have the Bridge.
In the spirit of Brad Lengel, we'll take public bashing to the max,
casting aside any responsibility we may have to the public or our
readers. We'll bash anything and everyone and in the end we'll hide
behind our first amendment and cry "UTEP, city living in the dark."
Voltaire - "I may not agree with what you say,
but I'll defend to death your right to say it!"
Well who the hell is Voltaire,
and why is he all high and mighty?
Well here it is, Volume2, Issue1 of the RagMag. Yes it took well over 2 years to get it here but then what do you expect? A Ph.D. program is not designed to be finished overnight. This issue symbolizes a lot of things for us. First of all, that we can accomplish a lot if we set our mind to it. And second, Bernat has a lot to do with Richard getting his Ph.D. and it is very apparent that he never would get it without this third and definitely not final issue. So here we are acting as Richard's research assistants, trying, just trying to make sure he gets whats coming to him.
Recently, I went undercover to investigate possible scandals concerning the Rag Mag staff. Who actually controls the Rag Mag? You be the judge... The following is the transcript of half a conversation between a high ranking faculty member and a senior member of our staff. No names have been changed to protect anybody.
(Setting: R. Watson's Apartment)
(Date: August 1993)
(Phone rings.)
R.Watson - Hello.....Oh, Hello Dr. Bernat... Yes, it's good to be
back at UTEP... No, UT Austin just didn't work out, no funding... Well,
UTEP's Computer Science Deptartment IS Better than UT Austin's anyway...
Yes, I've talked to Bonnie recently..
. Uh huh, she did mention that she was working on a third Rag Mag
issue... Yes Dr. Bernat, I know you like the Rag Mag... Yes, I would like
to see it continue too... Well, I suppose I could get the rough drafts
from Bonnie and try and get a staff together, but I really have to finish
my thesis. First....Yes, I know that you have to sign my graduation
papers....That's blackmail.....But don't you think the thesis is more
important...I see...Yes sir, I'll begin work on the Rag Mag as soon as
possible....
(Setting: Computer Science Bldg.)
(Date: February 1994)
(Dr. Bernat spots R. Watson in the hall and calls him over)
Watson - Yes Dr. Bernat?
Dr. Bernat - Richard, when is the next issue of the Rag Mag coming
out?
Watson - Well sir, I've been working on my thesis... Which do you
think is more important?
Bernat - Do you even have to ask?!?
Watson - I understand Dr. Bernat... O.K. how 'bout a deal. I'll
stay on for the doctoral program... I'll promise you one issue just after
I finish my thesis and I'll try to assemble a new staff for the future...
Possible issue number 4 before the end of the year. Deal???
Bernat - You're on. Just remember, I'm chairman, I can destroy
you if you fail me.. Now get to work..
Watson - Yes sir.
Page 2 "Mercy is for the Weak"
Here I sit, trying to think of things amusing... Graduate students!
A funny breed. After years of working like crazy and paying for the privilege, we are back again to drink from that fountain of knowledge; the side effects of pale skin, glazed eyes, and wry grins allow anyone to trace us to that den of glowing screens wi th windows to the world.
Free computer accounts are a big attraction. Once out of school, we find ourselves lost without new public domain software, user.rec newsgroups, and our Internet pals from Mars. Our friends have gone to places like Wisconsin (the mighty cheese capital), California (the center of meteorological excitement), and to all other parts of the world but where we are. Therefore, one is forced to leave, (call it conformity or rebellion) and find others as lost. Only then we realize that we are really not all that lost. A few creative questions from undergrads, and we're set, back on that high-flying ego trip of our early years as one of their kind.
The old saying, "If it wasn't for class, I'd never get any sleep," does not really apply at UTEP. There is plenty to wake us up. Choice phrases like "Who would like to volunteer?" and "Since no one could do the proof, it's due today" give new meaning to the word "unprepared". Staring at the ceiling, or floor, or even at both simultaneously does nothing for you when class size is less then 20.
Hidden prerequisites soon become apparent. For Dr. Kreinovich, it is essential to understand that defuzzification does not apply to teddy bear tragedies and that spheres do not have volume. Jabberwocky and The Hitchhiker Trilogy are required by Dr. Bernat. (Greek, of course, has been a must since freshman year.)
But what do we really learn in our classes? Once we run lectures through our portable accent decoders, we grok quite a bit. Lectures on the Theory of Computation lead to in-depth accounts of how things were in Russia. From discussions on the nature of intelligence, we learn that some people are (intelligent). From hands on experience in Parallel and Concurrent Processing, we discover that Mrs. Bernat makes great birthday cake which is devoured much quicker if we all go at it at once.
Despite our little trials and tribulations, we find that the pink and blue halls of the CS building hide many a surprise (and I don't mean the purple cabinets) for this peculiar beast, the graduate student. Thanks to all those that help us each hunt our particular shark!
--------------------Page 3 "Are you with me?"
| In need of a |
| floppy disk? |
| See your |
| local ACM |
| disk rep |
--------------------
To: Dr. Bell; No, as a matter of fact it's not niftee! And no, I don't think we should get to that later, I think we should cover it now.
To: Dr. Gelfond; I know the question, but you didn't state the answer properly!
To: Dr. Kreinovich; I don't see the humor behind that.
To: Dr. Baral; It's Fine? It's fine? What do you mean it's fine?!!
To: Dr. Cooke; 4th Generation Languages and Object Oriented Languages are a valuable addition to the Computer Science Community.
To: Dr. Gates; I don't know!
To: Dr. Longpre; Where are you?
To: Campus Police; Listen here you wanna-be, why don't you take than little plasic club and...
To: Dr Natalicio; Lady, if you think that saying nice things about the Rag Mag, wearing colors that match the CS building at the open house and attending Dr Baral's Mosaic Demo will fool us into liking you and respecting you and swearing our undyin g allegiance to you unto death, well, you're right there.(Of course it might help if you show up on time...)
Dr. Kreinovich - Of course he would give you directions. He would start at the University and explain how to get to the party by describing every house along the way, some in great detail. Only after descibing the whole route would he actually giv e you the address (which is all you really needed). The good thing is that he would write these in-depth directions down, put both of your names on it, and get it published in a journal on mathematical complexity.
Dr. Gelfond - Dr. Gelfond would give you the exact directions to the party. The directions would be beautiful. The exact, best way to get there. Crystal clear and obviously correct. The only trouble is, five minutes later, when a friend asks you to repeat the directions, you can't fully remember them, and although you get to the party, the way you went is nowhere near as elegant or easy as the way you were told to go.
Dr. Bernat - The session would go something like this.... "Dr. Bernat, do you know where the party is at?" "Yes." "Well, can you tell us" "Yes." "Well, will you please tell us now?" "Listen, I'm busy. I'm chairman you know! I've already answered two of your stupid questions, I don't have time for a third."
Prof. Bell - "Party??? Party?!? Oh yeah, that's right, the party!!! Class cancelled, everybody come on, I'll Drive!!!"
Dr. Cooke - "Although I don't advocate the drinking of alcoholic beverages, I'll give you the directions to the party... By the way, I'll be a little late. Save me a couple beers."
Dr. Baral - "Of course I know how to get to the party. It's at my house!!!"
Dr. Gates - "What is the dialogue of your problem? Remember, modularity is the key."
Dr. Longpre - "I can't find the door out of my office, much less anywhere outside the building!"
Dr. Ewton - We couldn't find him.
Dr. Chalman - "Well, let me start by telling you about a similar experience I had while I was working for IBM..."
Richard Watson - "Of course I know, I planned it, but first let me tell you about this new game I game I got for my Pentium 90..."
Manuel Calderon - "Is this gonna be on the test?"
Frank Fernandez - "Blah blah blah blah blah... Any questions? No? In that case, let's have a quiz!"
Gilbert Castillo - "Doh!"
Bo Friesen - "I don't know, I'm not going, I'm married now!"
Carlos Gameros - "I'll tell you what, I'll sell you an ACM disk and throw in an online map, I'll call it map-boy. While we're at it, do you want to buy some popcorn? Would you like it super sized?"
Martha Hernandez - "I need to get Dr. Bernat's approval before I can give you any directions. He'll be back next week, he's away on `business'."
Page 4 "Are you with me"
This edition's nominee is a well respected, admired professor at the University of Texas - El Paso. He was once a disciple of the Maharashi-Hayashi-Elmariashi-YaBaDaBaDu-ShamaLamaYama-DingDong, later became the co-founder and director of The Jesus Sandle s Coallition Group, a lobying organization in favor of the extinction of any type of sock or feet garment. After being second runner-up for the Limbo Achiever of the Year Award, our nominee became the major stock holder for the Nirvana Inter-Dimensional T raveling Corporation, a conglomerate devoted to finance research of the subconscious wander. An avid collector and critic of subliminal music, our Who's Who personality is being strongly considered for the title role in the "Magical Mistery Tour" video ve rsion of the 1960's Beatles hit. He's currently being coached by Mr. MC-Hammer in the brotherly-cool-way of walking, Columbia Records plans to have the tape on video stores by early March. During his spare time he is caught in between his various NASA pro jects and his ongoing search for a more accurate Monsoon season calendar, a passionate project that has taken most of his adult life. Our selected celebrity is the proud inventor and patent holder of the LOWER JAW WONDER SCRATCH, which pertains to the act ion of looking up and scraping with your hand the surface below the beard and beneath or between the branches of the lower jaw, this done during a moment of total consciousness or deep soul searching and usually followed by the mumbling of mistical phrase s, like his now famousAAAAHHH... YEEAAHHH... AAAHHH...
Benefits:
Interested parties should contact a member of the Rag Mag staff. Remember, even if you don't want to be a full member of the staff, you can still submit ideas for upcoming issues.
Just a reminder: ACM sells disks and popcorn at bargain prices!!!Page 5 "Is this gonna be on the test"$1.00 a disk or $1.50 for two!
$.50 for popcorn, available in buttered or light.
The Duh Award
To Chad Cloud, the Rag Mag staff would like to award the prestigious Duh Award. Chad is chosen for his attemps to teach his CS4201 class how to increment a FOR loop using the STEP command in Turbo Pascal. Duh!!! Running a close second is Richard Watson.
Hey Richard, can you write a case statement for the following automata? No Automata? What's your excuse for this? It surely can't be too much work, seeing as to how you managed to bum the Rag Mag off on us!
The Work 'um Like a Workhorse Award
This award is given to both Dr. Gates and Dr. Kreinovich, but not for overworking their classes (which they do), but for overworking their TA's. Come on guys there's only 24 hours in a day!
Frequent Flyer Award
This award goes out to Dr. Bernat, need we say more?
Page 6 "We'll get to that later"
When we last heard from RagMag, 2 years ago, the official word was that we would move to our new building in August of 1992. Here's the complete story since then with a brief glimpse into the future of the Old Geology Building.
August 1992 - We're still on the 3rd Floor of Engineering building, but we should be outta here real soon.
September 1992 - Soon!!!
October 1992 - It's all ours. We have an open house. We apply to have the Geology sign removed and replaced with a Computer Science Sign.
December 1992 - It's still ours but it is still Geology.(These things take time)
Sometime in 1993 - University Staff decides to further confuse new students by putting a new sign in front of the Building claiming Computer Science Building.
End of 1993 - Still waiting. Dr Bernat reassures us that there is a committe that is supposed to meet in Austin that will decide the fate of the sign.
Novemeber 1994 - Still waiting. Dr Bernat reassures us that there is a committe that is supposed to meet in Austin that will decide the fate of the sign.
February 7 - 1995 - Distraught Geology Freshman enters the building looking for his Geology Lab, claiming it was going to meet in Geology 218.
November 1996 - Committee in Austin postpones meeting to decide sign change claiming they just can't get 250 votes needed out of 251 to have a meeting.
December 1996 - Univeristy decides to move the Computer Science department to new building and make the Old Geology building home to of the Knowledge Representaion Lab. The KRL enters a request for a building name change.
February 1997 - Projected release date for Issue 4 of the Rag Mag.
November 1997 - Dr Bernat becomes the first college professor in space. Of course it's just business.
December 1999 - The Old Geology, Old Computer Science, Old Knowledge Repesentation Dept., Old History Building becomes the new home to the University Day Care Center. Day Care Officials put in for name change, will we never learn?
Once upon a time, when chairmen taught classes, Dr. Bernat taught CS4101. That year, I was fortunate enough to be in that class. After our first exam, I approached Dr. Bernat about an error he had made in grading my exam. Rather than give me the points , he responded, "Let me see if I can take points off anywhere else..." After studying the exam for about 10 minutes he exclaimed "Oh! see here, I should have taken points off here. So I guess you don't get any points added." At first I was upset, but a fter thinking about it, I was actually quite pleased. For while I had made only one error, Dr. Bernat had made two.
Luke Skywalker removing Darth Vader's mask and revealing the face of Dr. Gelfond.
The Professors of the CS department cast in various roles of the Star Trek Movies with Dr. Gelfond as Spock, Dr. Krienovich as Chekov, Dr. Cooke as Sulu and Dr. Bernat as Sarek.
Dr. Baral starring in his own prime time television series:
Doogie Baral, Ph.D.
Dr. Gelfond splitting the Red Sea.
Dr. Bernat in the Bahamas. (doesn't take much imagination does it?) how about imagining Dr. Bernat working in his office.
Page 7 "You can run, but you can't hide"
Who are we:
a) 6 of America's 10 most wanted.
b) The Beatles + 2.
c) Dr Baral and his lackies.
d) Desendants of the 3 Stooges.
e) all of the above.
In all seriousness, we at the RagMag would like to take this moment to thank Dr. Baral, Yulia Gelfond, Richard Watson, Patrick Kahl, Alfredo Gabaldon and Oliverio Carrrubias for their hard work and for the exposure the CS Department has received. Good Wo rk!
Page 8 "You can't beat that with a stick"
First a brief history. Way back in the '90's we had quite a bunch of practical jokers in the Computer Science department. We would sit around and tell jokes and generally not get much done. Rather than keeping all this fun to ourselves, we decided to di stract the rest of you and take a few pot shots at the faculty as well. Mike Pedroza and I had lots of funny ideas for such ascandal rag, but we were too busy goofing off to actually write it. Bonnie Traylor was the one person in our group who was craz y, yet willing to to actually be our first editor (does that make her more or less sane???). Along with Mike Segapeli, John F. Kennedy, Mike, and I, the first Rag Mag staff was formed. After an eternity of delays, the first issue came out in September of '91. Work began immediately on the second issue... John graduated and left. Both Mikes graduated and left. Chris Quintana joined our ranks. As the second issue approached, I left to UT Austin. In early 1992, the second Rag Mag hit the light of day. Two more years have passed, Chris and Bonnie have gone, I am back. The legacy continues. Many of the stories in this issue have been sitting around for over a year, Bonnie had just too much to do before leaving to finish it up. I recently received an excel lent reason to continue the Rag Mag, threats from Dr. Bernat (see article by Buzz Miller). A new staff is now forming. Luis "Fred" Cortes joined our ranks. Suggestions have come in from several sources. Yulia Gelfond was cohered into joining us (ya, that's right, we've got a Gelfond on our staff so don't mess with us!!!). By late 1994, I realized my staff was a bunch of dead beats hiding behind a graduate shield, "we're just too busy". So there I was, I no longer had a Rag Mag staff. As Bernat's r epeated threats grew, I decided it was time to bring in a new generation and pass the work off on them. With articles in hand, and no staff, RagMag seemed to be a mute issue. In December of 1994, Chad Cloud, Frank Fernandez and Carlos Gameros joined our ranks. This third issue is a result of cut and paste of old submissions and new submissions. We look forward to further issues this year, of course itwould be a lot more feasible if Dr. Bernat breaks down and buys the department a decent desktop publi sher. Good positions are still available. Maybe you can be one of us.
The fact that there are empty display cases on the first floor has come to the attention of some students. We wish to correct this erroneous train of thought. Those are not display cases, those are extra T.A. Offices.
The guideline into Dr. Cooke's office will be installed soon. The search continues for the graduate student last seen heading for Dr. Cooke's office.
The RagMag is published by a small select group of social
outcasts whenever they feel like it, or whenever they are
cohered by a university official. The views expressed may
or may not be the views of the editors, depending on your
attitude and how funny you found the material. Comments,
letters, questions, mailbombs, and contributions are always
welcome and appreciated. They may be dropped of in the
ACM/UPE box in the CS office or given to any RagMag staff
member. Send all complaints to RagMag via getbent@ragmag.org.
Really, we're serious about the submissions, we've got
other things to do. The RagMag is funded by a grant from
the National Science Foundation. Any re-broadcast
or re-transmission without the consent of the National
Football League is strictly unprohibited.Staff Reporters:
Frank "Skippy" Fernandez
Carlos "Gamera" Gameros
Chad "Chach" Cloud
Gilbert "Ace" Castillo
Richard "Doc" WatsonFor a transcript of this issue send
39.95 + 5.00 shipping and handling toRagMag
c/o Computer Science Department
The University of Texas at El Paso
El Paso, Texas 79968
please allow 6-8 years for delivery.