INSIDE Astrograph . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D3 Business . . . . . . . . . . . . . . B3-4 Bridge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D2 Comics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D4 CrossWord. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D3 Dear Abby. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D3 El Paso. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . B1 Lifestyle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . D1-4 Movies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A6 Sports . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . C1-4 TV . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D3
1989 - Plans are unveiled to remodel the Old Library to house the Geology department. The Old Geology building is to be given to the Physics department. Dr. Bernat is not amused. "I am not amused", he was quoted as saying, "Our department is composed of bright, hard-working, attractive demigods. What does the Physics department have? Physicists. I will stop at nothing to get that building because we deserve it dammit, we deserve it!"
1990 - Scared by the sight of our crazed chairman, university officials cave in and give us the building. The Physics department is not amused, but we really don't care.
Fall, 1990 - The PS/2 lab opens. When people complain about the small, unattractive room, Dr. Bernat replies, "It's OK, this is only temporary. We have been told that we are moving next May." Oh, little did he know. . .
May, 1991 - The big move is postponed until the summer. Because of the lack of space in the Engineering Building, a record 71 TA's must now share one office. Conditions are bad, but we haven't lost hope; the big move is near.
Summer, 1991 - The new Geology building nears completion, but disaster strikes as the new men's room toilets explode. Rumors of a conspiracy arise. An investigation begins and the big move is postponed until September.
September, 1991 - As the Geology department moves to its new home, our big move is postponed again. The official reason: the new wallpaper hasn't arrived.
October, 1991 - The frustration is now taking its toll on everyone. It is rumored that Dr. Baral, late one evening after a few too many at a Halloween party, goes to the now vacant Old Geology building and proclaims: "I, Dr. Chitta Baral, loyal servant of our beloved imperialist leader, His Royal Highness, King Andrew Bernat, do hereby claim this building in the name of King Bernat and the Computer Science Department." The big move is postponed yet again amid rumors that the Physics department has been secretly meeting with architects.
November 1, 1991 - University officials announce that the CS department will not be given the building after all. An infuriated Dr. Bernat pulls out the big guns and sends Dr. Gelfond to talk to administration officials.
November 2, 1991 - Dr. Gelfond emerges with nervous and visibly shaken university officials. "The building is yours", they cry, "It was all a big misunderstanding." The official story is that Vice President for Business Affairs Glen Williams acted alone in revoking the building. However, conspiracy buffs theorize that this is all a plot involving the Mafia, the CIA, Castro and the US Industrial-Military Complex.
November 3, 1991 - Nothing happened today.
November 4, 1991 - Dr. Riter gives us the news that the building is officially the new home for the CS department.
Today - Official word is that we'll move in August, but we'll believe it when we see it. Oddly enough, the new wallpaper still hasn't arrived, and there has been an awful lot of mysterious activity detected in the Physics department. Stay tuned for more. . .
Bonnie Traylor
Editor, Chief Executive Head Honcho
One cool morning, long, long ago, Bonnie was found wandering through an enchanted leafy glen by a rather rowdy group of Leprechauns, who had spent the better part of the previous afternoon and evening celebrating a little-known Celtic fertility festival called Beltane with much merry-making and imbibing of "wusky". After much arguing and loud screeching, Bonnie's, not the Leprechauns'-- they all had terrible headaches) they agreed to take her home to King Bryan's Castle, pending the little Emperor's approval, of course. When they arrived, however, the king tricked her into drinking a powerful sleeping potion, and when she awoke, she found herself enrolled as a CS student at UTEP (either that or she's in a padded cell suffering from intense hallucinations). She is married, has a two-year-old daughter, and plans to get a Ph.D. and then work in academia some place where there is snow in the winter and flowers in the summer. (Either that, or audition for lead singer in Chris Quintana's band, she hasn't decided which.)
Chris Quintana
Assistant Editor, Medical Editor
Despite numerous threats and warnings from fanatical third-world nations, Chris was born in an undisclosed location sometime between 1967 and 1969. After a stint in the Merchant Marines, Chris entered UTEP in 1981 planning to major in Music. He subsequently received his B.S. in Biology in 1990 and is currently working on an M.S. in Computer Science. Judging by his academic adventures, making decisions is obviously not one of his strong suits. His future plans include getting a Ph.D. and living a long, fruitful life after which he will be remembered for his caring manner, sardonic wit, and his timeless and monumental contributions to both computer science and man's quality of life. Either that or he'll start a band. He's having a hard time deciding.
Mike Pedroza
RagMag - Guy in the Real World
Wanted for Murder in Several States, Mike Pedroza was abandoned at birth in a log cabin somewhere in New Jersey. Rescued by a pack of wild chipmunks, Mike learned the fine art of stuffing acorns in his cheeks. He was finally discovered by man at the age of 17, and in the following year, he enrolled as a computer science major at UTEP. Mike chose computer science because, "It was the major closest to what I was already best at--stuffing acorns". Tragedy struck in 1989 when he lost both eyes while trying to eat soup with chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant, and he lost the other eye in a freak genetic experiment. Luckily, he was able to gain employment as a referee at Miner basketball games. Mike achieved his lifelong goal of graduating, and is now living out the remainder of his life working for IBM.
Richard Watson
Foreign Affairs Correspondent, Rocky Mountain Guy
Appearing out of nowhere, Richard Watson arrived at UTEP in the summer of 1986. Although he has a wife and three children and claims to be from Colorado, people who know him generally hold the belief that he is not from this planet. He has been known to write strange things on chalk boards before tests, disrupt lectures with bizarre comments, and preach the word of a divine being who goes by the name of "Ted". Together with RagMag(tm) editor Bonnie Traylor, he conducted research under the dreaded Dr. Gelfond, leader of the notorious
"Logic Gang". As a co-creator of The RagMag(tm) and a driving force behind most of the ACM/UPE parties, he should be considered subversive and highly dangerous. He has a peculiar habit of never taking anything too seriously and should therefore be avoided by any serious students. He is attempting to finally begin working on his Ph.D. at UT-Austin.
Buzz Miller
Crack[ed] Investigative Reporter, Urban Blight
It has been rumored that Buzz is a mythical person, created so that the real RagMag(tm) staffers can avoid prosecution. But a U.S. Senate investigation has judged that he is most likely a figment of his own imagination. One senator said, "He's kinda like pornography, I can't describe what a 'Buzz Miller' is, but I'd know him if I saw him ". Senator Edward Kennedy recalled, "Yes, I've seen Buzz at several of my parties, but I cannot recall any of the
conversations because I was incapacitated at each occurance." Abandoned at birth, Buzz has been searching for the last ten years for any members of his family. Buzz recently found out that he has a twin brother, Bud. Although they have not met yet a reunion is in the works.
Anita Brewster
Investigative Reporter, Advice Columnist, All American Gal
Anita comes to us from Peoria Illinois where she received her degree in Interdisciplinary Studies from Peoria Community College. Her minor in Home Economics qualified her for a staff position at Better Homes and Gardens where she received numerous awards including the Duncan Hines Culinary Excellence Award and the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. She has authored several books, including: 1001 Stitches for Mending and Our Friend - the Dewey Decimal System. Even though she doesn't know much about computers, she doesn't think she will be at a disadvantage writing for the RagMag(tm): "I may not know much about computers, but you guys don't know much about comedy, and you still are able to put out this rag every so often." After hearing that, we knew Anita was our kind of writer.
Best Dressed/Worst Dressed
Congratulations go out to Dr. Daniel E. Cooke. He has been unanimously voted, "Best Dressed Sentient Being of the Year." His collection of neckties is beyond compare. On the flip side, Dr. Andrew Bernat was voted, "Worst Dressed Sentient Being of the Year." Dr. Bernat barely beat out Vice President for Business Affairs Glen Williams, and Athletic Director Brad Hovious, but only because we couldn't prove that they are sentient.
NOTE: For those of you getting ready to take the GRE, sentient means "one capable of perception or sensation; conscious."
How did he do that?
A "RagMag(tm) Lifetime Achievement Award" goes to UTEP CS student Jim Rupel. Recently, the RagMag(tm) found out that Jim has received an A in all of his computer science classes. All classes, that is, except those he took with Professor Bell. In these classes, Jim received a B, a truly remarkable feat. Which just goes to show that anything is possible if you put your mind to it!
Excellent! NOT!!!
Last and certainly least a "Duh" Award goes to whoever put "Upsilon Pi Upsilon" on the bulletin board outside the Engineering Excellence Center. The name is
"Upsilon Pi Epsilon." Kinda' makes you wonder how excellent they actually are down there, doesn't it?
Congratulations to all recipients. You've earned it.
Dr. Cooke: "I don't know, what do you think?"
Interpretation: "I don't know. Why do you make me look stupid in front of the whole class? Get out of my face!"
Dr. Gelfond : "Is it clear?"
Interpretation : "What? Don't you understand by now? This is the fifth time I've explained this. Get out of my face!"
Prof. Bell : " Interesting... "
Interpretation: "Can't you see I don't give a damn? Get out of my face!"
Dr. Bernat: "I don't know what I said, but that's what I mean."
Interpretation: "I told you once, you should have listened. Now, get out of my office, and get out of my face!"
Dr. Baral: "I'll take some wine."
Interpretation: "I'll take some wine. Get out of my face!"
Dr. Kreinovich : "In Russia, there is this anecdote about..."
Interpretation: "I didn't prepare a lesson, so I'd better stall. Listen to the story, and get out of my face!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - | ACM | | OFFICIAL | | (Really!) | | RagMag(tm) | | Press Pass | | "Take No Prisoners' | | UPE | - - - - - - - - - - - -
Benefits :
Requirements :
Previous experience as a journalist is not required. In fact it's discouraged.
Must be immoral and witty (but not enough to show up the existing staff).
So join the RagMag(tm). Its fun. Its educational. And it protected by the First Amendment. Anyone interested in becoming a RagMag(tm) staff member should drop us a line in the ACM/UPE box in EE301 or contact any RagMag staffer. The RagMag(tm) is not an Equal Opportunity Employer.
Investigative Aid. FEMALE. Tall blonde preferred. Must have nice legs. Doesn't need to know anything. See Buzz Miller in Engineering 342.
Babysitter needed for cute, little Ph.D. Applicants should bring at least 3 references. Apply Engineering 310.
Hey LM., I'm sorry about the viruses. The Viruscan and Penicillin are on me. Will you ever forgive me? 0.G.
Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bonnie Traylor
Assistant Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chris Quintana
Guy in the Real World . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mike Pedroza
Foreign Affairs Correspondent . . . . . . . .Richard Watson
Investigative Reporters . . . . Buzz Miller, Anita Brewster
Knowledge Base . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bo Jackson