10 Things To Ask for When Negotiating an Academic Job Offer

  1. No morning classes.
  2. An office with a floor drain in one corner, for wetsuit drying.
  3. A committment to train the department secretary to make espresso.
  4. The right to review student course evaluations and edit them for clarity before anyone else sees them.
  5. Dress code upshift for the entire department (so I can feel that I fit in, without having to replace my entire wardrobe).
  6. Access to a restroom with non-floridated water.
  7. Funding for 25 work-study students for one week each.
  8. A promise that the administration will give credence to my side of the story in case of sexual harassment allegations.
  9. A departmental welcome party with a four course meal and invitations for twelve friends and relations.
  10. Guaranteed freedom to teach my best, including exemption from existing or future legislation that affects university employees.

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